| inhabiting a tree...wishfully. |
[11 Feb 2009|06:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
switchfoot "on fire" |
] |
it's interesting to me how some moods provoke writing, others running, others crying, and still others laughing. obviously, this is one that is causing me to write.
i'm frustrated.
that seems to be happening a lot lately. i begin to wonder if it has something to do with a lack of faith, or lack of foresight to see that God is indeed working all the minute details out.
i'm stuck with an apartment that i never wanted..and a pet i thought i did.
both of which seem to benefit far more from my habitation than i do.
more money is paid for both of these properties than i spend on myself. which should be a commendation, since i do consider myself a rather thrifty person (aside from the occasional impulse chocolate buy), yet it saddens and frustrates me more than warms me.
i've had several (more than several!) people express interest in either my apartment, or my pet. all of which have expressed interest to the degree that my dubious disbelief was done away with, and i carried myself away on the tide of happy, convenient bliss. only to discover those people were not in fact as eager as they seemed.
i've even considered taking the hit to my credit if i just bailed out of the lease early. not a good idea. God is definitely not a proponent of "taking the easy way out..." if he was...none of us would be here.
i know the times will work out perfectly. and perhaps..not perhaps..i know it's only because i am disgruntled that it's easy for me to complain about God's seeming (!!) shortcomings...(according to "How The Universe Should Be Run" by Amanda Presumptuous Heinle)
should i list the cons, if they even exist when compared to His faithfulness?
to remind myself, and maybe you (you scarce reader), of what i do indeed have to be thankful for, i'm going to make a list.
i have enough money to pay rent
i have a job that offers variety, both in challenges and tasks
i have never gone hungry
i have clothes to cover me
i have never had my electricity cut or the gas turned off
i can walk (something i take for granted quite a bit)
i can even run when i so choose
i'm not alone, and always have the opportunity to be near family
i have friends, near and far
even though money has been tight, i've always had enough to cover my expenses/needs
even though my air mattress has a hole in it, it lasts through the night (deflating right before my alarm goes off)
and probably the most important things in my life:
i have a God who doesn't give up on me. despite my many temper tantrums and inability to see beyond my eyelashes. despite the times i throw back his love by wallowing in despair or self pity. despite my many doubts and hesitations. who loves me past the point where my faith ends, to carry me on to more. who teaches and guides. gentle. tenderly. sometimes quite painful, but always lovingly.
i think pain comes from being proud and inexorable. not being supple or willing. too often i make things worse, sometimes knowingly, so i can feel sorry for myself and "earn" God's pity. ugh...i disgust even myself.
i'm so thankful that God doesn't allow me to get in the way of Him being HIM.
maybe that's the lesson i'm learning right now...that He is faithful. (it amuses me that i speak as if the lessons i'm being taught are ever fully learned and never repeated. so often they are.)
faithfulness that doesn't end. doesn't wear thin. doesn't, and could never, disappear.
"O ye of little faith"...to which i yearn to say "Lord, i believe; help my unbelief!" (mark 9:24)
and i know he does...ceaselessly. remembering that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. (phil 1)
the tears i was afraid of overwhelming me ten minutes ago would now be tears of gratefulness and appreciation.
hopefully you were able to make enough sense of this to be encouraged.
|
|
| grrtug |
[04 Feb 2009|08:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
leona lewis |
] |
did you ever wish you could turn your brain off?
not to escape or transport into some kind of drug induced high
but to stop it from running around and around and around..
sometimes it sickens me that i don't know how to stop thinking
or stop analyzing
maybe this is a lack of faith
and what i really need is more trust in God.
i hope so
i hope this is something that can be "easily" (in the sense that it only requires action in one part, instead of different techniques and directions) remedied.
it never stops.
never.
i know its hard for some people to understand this
people who haven't experienced it
and i pray you never do
to be scared of your own mind and your inability to "Be still and know that I am God"
is not something to be desired.
in the midst of casual conversations,
when someone is asking you a question,
when you're walking down the street,
it's a constant motion.
going this way, turning around and starting down another lane,
over and over again.
frighteningly familiar turns and twists.
someday.
i hope that day is soon.
it won't be like this.
|
|
|
[27 Jan 2009|09:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chicago Soundtrack |
] |
it always amazes me how you can have such a range of emotions in a matter of hours..minutes..seconds even.
i haven't posted on here in ages. strange how writing can be such an outlet at certain times, so much so that you can't live without it, and yet others you forgot you knew how to write. how to join words together. how to form sentences. how to piece together a thought to express for others to understand. you begin to think you've lost any ability you had before to make any sense of thoughts jumbled and confused.
you hesitate. and pull back. then make up for it and renew with doubled vigor the action you faltered on.
beginning life with an apology.
consisting in a sort of justification.
i feel like i'm constantly in a battle with myself. i know this is a fight familiar to many from the beginning. perhaps when i describe it more, people (i flatter myself that people actually read this) can decide whether this is a battle they have fought before.
i make mistakes. horrible decisions. faulty actions. trembling and awkward indecisions. i'm constantly wondering if i'm too much. or not enough. i've not found a happy medium in me. any action on my part comes after torturous moments of second guessing and deliberation. "Should i?" "Should i not?"
i almost drive myself insane with these thoughts, despairing to act in any way because that just seems more acceptable..easier..
then i finally talk myself into some sort of positive (i hope) action, only to wish i could take it back seconds later because the reaction is not what i thought it would..should..be.
even this i hesitate to write because i'm excellent at over analyzing situations and finding things to dissuade myself from certainties. i know i overthink things. i know this. i wish i could stop. learn how to take things as they are. or first see things as they are and know how to take it from there.
i wear myself out.
and then i wear myself out some more wondering whether i should have even started hoping in the beginning. though i know i tried my hardest to talk myself out of that at the time.
in situations that aren't "defined" i don't know what to do. so i do what i think is best. i extend myself. then i pull back. then i go insane.
ugh.
is it easier for other people to be themselves?
why do i make it so hard?
i don't even know where to begin...
i don't like the idea of being subject to emotions...yet we all know that is so much easier than defining our situation by our thoughts, intentions, and actions. by what we do.
i think too often i create my emotions. maybe we all do. i start thinking about this, which leads to that, and that brings up this memory along with the reaction i had at the time (both immediately after and shortly thereafter) and voila! my mood is set.
put on some mood music (sad/angry/loud, etc) and there we go...enter said mood and act accordingly..
or unaccordingly. but be warned, regrets and second thoughts will be yours to deal with. knowing this, feel free to move on. or dwell on it. or wish you were strong enough to see not only what you do wrong, but also how to fix it and become better from it.
*sigh*
as much as i can, let this be a sort of declaration that from now on my behavior will be "better."
or in a reaction to those around me, as opposed to creating my own cause and effect.
|
|
| where i am... |
[10 Dec 2007|08:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
josh groban christmas |
] |
sometimes i don't like where i am.
sometimes a lot.
at least lately. did you ever feel that you were supposed to do something great, but you don't know what it was? some disease is going undiscovered because you doubt.
some invention unfound because you hesitate.
some person unsaved because you question.
some time unspent because you linger. i don't know why i'm waiting, or what i'm waiting for...
someone to push me, someone to want what i want, someone that will strive with me to accomplish history. your future is possible because of your past.
for without your past, your future would not be possible. i want sincerity.
caring.
genuine. yet i push it away so often,
striving against what i hear.
i don't believe you, and i don't know why.
i think i'm too much, too trying, for anyone's patience.
nevertheless i ask for it. constantly, consistently, continuously. what am i waiting for? im giving things away i can't ever get back. my time.
and yours.
|
|
| crescendo. |
[12 Oct 2007|07:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lovedrug |
] |
it seems i always let things rise to a tumultuous crescendo before i let them go.
i am continually questioning why.
God is odd.
he really is.
and of course i realize that in saying this i am just more completely displaying my finite mind and how its incapable of grasping an infinite concept. i know that. and of course it makes sense that the closer you seem to get to Jesus, the more you realize you don't deserve to be there.
ignorance is almost bliss.
in the days...or weeks...that i swallow my time with other unnecessary activities instead of devoting time, attention, heart, and mind to knowing and becoming more like my Savior...i am completely and blissfully unaware of my faults. i start to think i'm pretty swell. that it wasn't necessarily a sacrifice for Jesus to die for me.
gah! can i throw up now?
it's sickening how pride can seep into the tiniest freakin' thing and you don't even realize it!
how could i ever think such a think?!
i'm not really asking how, because i know the answer to that question. i know that i am sinful, that nothing i do, think, want, or need is at all deserving of God's attention.much less his love.
it's just frustrating...for lack of a better word.
i've really been struggling with my tongue lately.
not physically. psh.
perhaps it would be more appropriate to say i have been struggling with my heart and mind, since what comes out of my mouth is a product of what i think or feel in my heart. perhaps it is because i fight so much to be a careful witness at work, in front of all the blatant sin, that the first opportunity to speak the filth that i absorb in their presence is almost a relief. even though as soon as it is spoken, my heart hurts. why am i so petty?
have i really learned nothing over the years?
must i always start at the beginning?
albeit a good place to start.
it makes me sad to see that after all the years of knowing, or attempting to know...in various forms/ways, Jesus that i still have so far to go. maybe it should be comforting.
it's not.
i should take solace in the fact that Christ works in, and despite of, my many, many weaknesses.
i should.
but i don't.
i want so much to be perfect. for HIM to think so. for HIM to look at me and smile.
YET i KNOW that it doesn't involve any effort on my part for him to do so!
I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW!
such a simple idea.
so hard to grasp!
absolutely nothing i do makes me righteous. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
i could be greater than mother theresa.
wiser than solomon.
it wouldn't matter.
AT ALL.
nothing i can do.
why can't i accept that?
i always come back to this.
failed.
torn.
broken.
bruised.
bleeding.
crying.
from all my effort.
all my noble thoughts and deeds that are rank with sin.
isaiah 64:6 "We are all infected and impure with sin.When we display our righteous deeds,they are nothing but filthy rags."
|
|
|
[16 Jun 2007|12:35pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
see a flaw?
you see a human!
i struggle with appearing to portray perfection. i know i am not perfect...far from attempting, appearing, or thinking so. my false pride (for what can pride be, but anything false? it feeds off exaggerated self-images and dishonest judgements of self and others!) takes comfort in at least appearing to be perfect. if not perfect, i've perfected the art of disdain.
looking down at you from my common, lowly abode, i know your faults before you know mine.
knowledge is power, or so they say.
i'm quicky and deadly...tearing down any reserve or justification.
occupying the lowliest of lows in my opinions.
who makes me the judge?
my honor or esteem worth striving for?
|
|
| aged in a day |
[07 Jun 2007|01:36pm] |
aged in a day,
a moment.
a year.
did you ever feel like you grew up all of a sudden? 3 minutes ago you were the carefree, irresponsible 23-year-old that you have been for the past 289 days...then someone said something..or something happened and you felt old. old and tired. weary, actually. you lived a million years, a million lives in those 3 minutes; those 180 seconds. your heart beat slower. your mind didn't respond as quickly as in the days of youth. your emotions were several steps, miles, behind. in 3 minutes you became the dead, the dying, the deceased mind of your favorite old relative reborn.
you took on the world and lost.
all the sorrows of a thousand untold stories, a thousand unwept tears, a thousand lives ruined in the mystery and obscurity of the masses presses upon you, leaving no room for breath or bearing. what can you do?
hope.
hope that your heart keeps on beating without you willing it to do so.
hope that your body fights for the air you have no strength to seek.
hope that your mind holds together what your hands could not.
hope.
|
|
| let me be. |
[04 Apr 2007|11:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sad |
] |
did you ever want to stay up all night...just so you didn't have to go to bed? not so you could boast or revel in your independence or adulthood..but because you wanted to delay tomorrow? a beautiful suspension. if there is no sleep, no respite or rest from the day's trials and errors...no pause in the interminable and infinite circle, then there can be no tomorrow. no new dawn or dawning. new sunrise or fresh sunset. immaturity reigns absolute in my desire to avoid tomorrow's lessons. tomorrow's sorrows. tomorrow's tears and heartache. the lonely moments and pressing pleas. caught unexpectedly in the glimpse of a memory.
a laugh. a tear. a simple look. a hug. a touch. endlessly marked with wishful feeling. let me be. leave me in my memory. the happy part. the part where i smile and you laugh...and merry hearts entwined.
akh, 2007 ©
|
|
| dead? or dying? |
[07 Jan 2007|02:53pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
jump little children |
] |
marching solemnly past my own memorial...
i see the pictures of my life,
when did i begin to die?
was it in this picture?
the smile seems hasty, forgotten, shadowed with sorrow.
or this one?
surrounded by friends, all eager to touch, grasp, hold...
what?
me?
a life?
death is quick to slip its fingers in any heart.
its presence never quite forgotten.
a touch here, a pressure there.
death reminds us of who we live to be.
©akh, 2007
|
|
| apparently things will get better... |
[04 Nov 2006|10:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
spoken |
] |
because i don't think they could get any worse.
too much thinking..too little time...too few decisions. what's wrong with me?
too much.
not enough grace for people around me...and for this i apologize. i'm a very finite and flawed person who passes my judgment on too many people..too often. for silly, stupid "reasons" (as if reason could be a part of anything so ridiculous!).
i've been reading "what's so amazing about grace?" by phil yancey. amazing book. amazing topic. it seems that all the books i'm reading are all bouncing off of and complimenting each other. first it was "blue like jazz" which i've had recommended to me by several people, and while reading "blue like jazz" i was also devouring "what's so amazing about grace?"
now that i've finished the former, i've begun "searching for God knows what" by donald miller (author of "blue like jazz")
amazing.
eye opening.
convicting.
i've been so quick to personally extend grace to those i approve of. those i "love." all the while condemning or judging those i don't like...for crappy personal reasons......because i believed myself to be right..i believed it was "righteous anger."
bullcrap!
what on earth makes me believe that i have any more knowledge, wisdom, or connection to God (!) that anyone else that makes me so righteous and pure?
damn pride!
*listening to the same song over and over again..."Promise" by Spoken....."....things'll get better, this i promise you..."*
i want to say to those i know, to those i love, to anyone who reads this, i'm sorry...from the bottom of my heart...for the lack of grace i've given you, lived in front of you, said to you, and expected of you. i am so sorry that i allowed myself to be so foolish as to believe that i had any right to tell you what to do, how to live, what to say, what to eat, what to think, what to feel. i didn't. and don't. i'm sorry that i limited my love to you and made it a reward for actions that i agreed with. i had, and have, no right to think that my standard of living (if it could even be called as such) should, could, or would ever be for someone else to live. it's not. i wouldn't recommend it for anyone.
in my life i live by pennies and nickels...strict. no grace. no leeway. no love.
*....it won't feel this way forever...*
i hide from things. from people. from love. i expect things of others that i wouldn't ask myself. i have ideas for people that i never tell them, i express disappointment when they don't live up to my ideal.
* ....yet another day seems like it's wasted....you don't feel you're any closer to the prize....*
how can i call myself anyone's friend when all my motives seem selfish?
can you, would you, could you forgive me?
i want so much...to be better...to love more..to express more...to smile more...to be more.
i want to not hurt. to not give my heart away with my eyes closed. willingly allowing myself pain. inviting it, basically. but i want to trust more, despite the pain...
*....things'll get better this i promise you... and i know loneliness won't last forever...*
i'm sorry for trying to make you believe that God is about rules..laws..instead of grace and forgiveness. i'm sorry for making God less than he is. for making him me.
i'm so sorry.
i'm learning what love is. true love.
i apologize for the times i failed you, and ask you to consider giving me yet another chance...to humbly, brokenly, completely love you....knowing that it is me..the sinner me...the sinner who will fail, who will fall, who will stumble and break things in the process, but will always get up to re-place my reliance upon Christ- friend of sinners.
for sinners he died. for redeemed sinners, he rose again.
hopefully yours,
-a redeemed sinner
|
|
| when things aren't as bad as they seem... |
[19 Oct 2006|05:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the hum of quiet computers |
] |
beware..because you might just be missing something.
so i realize it has indeed been quite a while since i've updated my blog. in fact, someone remarked to me that it has been several months even.
what excuses can i offer? none..besides the atypical "i'm really really busy..."
even though i am.
let me see if i can sum up the events that have happened since i returned to my place of physical rest...:
1) wedding reception 4 days after returning home
2) grandfather went into hospital 2 days after returning home
3) whilst traveling to visit the aforementioned hospitalized individual, i got a speeding ticket. also in the car with me was my grandmother (and despite her theatrical talents, and mine, it did not get us out of paying the $106 fine).
4) said goodbye to lots of relatives that i hardly ever meet, people that i love, and people that are newly (seemingly) related to me.
5) hung out with good old friends..that i spend far too little time with, and take for granted even more...
6) acquired a job at a coffee shop.
7) spent countless hours on the internet looking for another job.
8) tried to get my mom to cash my paychecks...which they wouldn't allow her to do because they would "lose their job."
9) tried to cash my paychecks, only to discover that in order to do so, i would need 2 forms of ID, a certain amount of money for the service to be deducted from EACH paycheck, AND they would need my thumbprint. perhaps some of you see nothing wrong with giving away your fingerprint in a seemingly typical crime scene requirement, but i had a problem with it. all the while this is only building up a significant amount of resentment and bitterness against the local banking establishments. i could (maybe) see the sense in their rules IF i did not formerly have an account at their bank. but because i did, and because they know who i am, it only infuriated me further to discover that they would not, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, cash my paycheck...that is of course...without giving up my thumbprint.
10) having in my posession several checks that were uncashable...i resorted to returning to my boss to ask if they could cash them for me..being the gracious people that they are, they happily did. WITHOUT requiring my thumbprint. but obviously i could not continue to count on their hospitality forever..so i finally consented to open a bank account and put $5 in so i could cash my paychecks. (another thing i didn't understand, why does it matter if I have an account at the bank or not? the money is not coming from me, it is coming from the employer...so i really just don't understand..).
off i go to a different bank (for the former two have only succeeded in making my life more complicated, so i conceded that they don't deserve my business..). i inquire about starting a checking account and am told to wait for the appropriate lady. 5 minutes pass by. she comes out and introduces herself and asks me questions about what kind of account i am interested in, while ushering me into her office. we both sit down and the discussion continues. she asks basic information questions, which i answer, but when it comes time for her to ask for my social security number, which i gave her, she pauses and asks for it again. and again. the first time i was confident that i had quoted it correctly, but the second and third time only made me doubt my memory abilties, so i pulled out the card, read it, and then handed it to her. she double checks the card and what she has entered into the computer and then remarks, "oh, this isn't your number.."
thinking that perhaps she is referring to what she had typed in the computer, i remained silent and waited for her to correct her error. then she begins talking and tells me that the number on the card (MY social security card) isn't mine...and if it is..then someone has stolen it and used it to open up different accounts...and...because of that...i am not allowed to open an account with them.
puzzled.
"wh...wha...what?"
i return to my place of employment, which is where i had dropped off my sister and brother..and attempt to contact my father and let him know what happened. he didn't answer. while i sit there, still puzzling over how this could of happened, he returns my call and advises me to phone the police and get "those scum in jail!" i phone the authorities, but they are apparently just as baffled as i am and tell me to go back to the bank and phone them from there.
....
at the bank i inform the lady what the police said, but she tells me she has to talk to security and her boss before she can do that..so off she goes.
to make a long story short...it appears that you do not have to keep the same name of the person whose social security number you steal (which makes no sense at all)...how can someone who doesn't have my name or address or any of my information, open a bank account with MY number...but i can't?
i have no idea.
this situation has gone on for a couple of weeks while i attempt to sort thru all the confusion. i remain bank account-less, second job-less, and still unable to cash my paychecks.
11) however...having a rather creative turn of mind, i have invented something that i think would stand a very good chance in the market. therefore, when i am not looking at my credit report with gritted teeth, or brewing coffee for the grumpy masses, i am researching how to go about patenting/ licensing/ and marketing my invention. it's quite a thick process, and requires A TON of research.
i think that is a brief enough description of how i have been (and am) spending my time lately. i think you would agree that it leaves very little, if any, time for a journal...sadly..
|
|
|
[13 Aug 2006|11:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
chris brown |
] |
you see your life in pictures. one picture here- you are paused but getting ready to leave, keys in hand. another picture, later on, your friends gathered around you; laughing, smiling, happy memories recounted.
even further down the road you are sitting on a chair, trying to remember what you needed from the grocery store.
sometimes, before the pictures are taken, you know what is going to be in them. what they will include; a brother here, a sister there, an old pet, a friend from childhood. a conversation that took place once, five years ago. same thing, same place, same time.
i see it all before me, my life laid out in pictures. snapshots, happy and sad. angry and hurt. pain captured with the flash. it seems that nothing i do can or will alter the progression of film. even before they are taken, i'm bound to their development. despite any disinclination on my part, i hurry to place the items in their proper place, for the best lighting, to prevent the shadow from falling in the wrong place- the best picture i can manage.
it disgusts me, this life i lead. the pictures i take. the pictures i give.
all black and white, lacking any vibrance that color might add.
the luster worn from its form. perhaps from frequent use.
so many of them, cataloging my short life. however dull, however worn, however pale they may be.
my life they are nonetheless...and i still decide its outcome. its picture. its imprint in film.
akh, 2006
©
|
|
| dilemma |
[22 Jun 2006|11:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mindy smith |
] |
i have one.
a dilemma.
I don't know what to do.
there's this boy.
a very nice boy. definitely unique and possibly the most interesting fellow i have ever met. he's also very thoughtful and gentlemanly.
and..there's a possiblity that he likes me. but of course i'm not going to ask him...which is exactly what he wants (he even said so).
but i'm so curious! i told him i wasn't going to ask him because it wouldn't change anything..we'd still be friends (we're both anti-relationships), and it wouldn't either help or hinder anything....but at the same time, i tell myself the knowledge would be helpful. or would it? it wouldn't really help anything, as i already said...but maybe it would.
though i think it would only be of personal mental relief..
what should i do?
should i ask?
what harm can there be in that...right?
but then that brings up all the other questions associated with the knowing...such as.."what now?"
your input would be greatly appreciated...
i'm off to pray about it...more..
|
|
| Seek first. |
[12 Jun 2006|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exanimate |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rihanna |
] |
Seek first.
the verse that talks about seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness first (matthew 6:33)
and all these things will be added to you.
seek first.
we have complete control over the abundance of God's blessings that we allow in our lives. it depends on our focus...our goal...what we are striving for.
if we are seeking for the blessings, we won't get them. if we are seeking God's kingdom AND His righteousness then not only will all our needs be met, but all these things will be added.
i'm sorry..but i believe the bible said ALL these things will be added...
"what things?" you may wonder
i wondered that too.
in order to find the answer we have to go back and look at the context. the chapter is talking about worrying...worrying versus the sovereignty of God. it talks about why we worry about what we will eat, or drink, or wear. and why we chase after those things...because God knows that we need them. it talks about how life is so much more than food or clothes. it talks about how even Solomon (one of the richest kings in the Bible) couldn't match what God could do in taking care of us. that lilies are more beautiful in their simplicity and in the fact of their Creator than anything we can array ourselves with.
it talks about how even though flowers are here one day and gone the next, God still takes impeccable care of them and still does His best in creating and caring for them. most of all because God doesn't, and CAN'T, do a halfway job.
it talks about how the uselessness of worrying, because worrying never solved anything..and by worrying, we never accomplished anything.
that is what all is: food, drink, clothes, LIFE!
and it's all taken care of...
so stop worrying.
easier said than done, huh?
i know, i know.
it takes a lot. a mind shift. we have to catch ourselves when we begin worrying, or contemplating things that do not line up with God's promises to us.
but you can do it.
Seek first.
|
|
|
[17 May 2006|11:40am] |
|
......
|
|
| angst |
[06 Apr 2006|11:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
madonna |
] |
i like that word. partly because that's what i feel at the moment.
apprehension. anxiety. awkward. cramped. pain. irritating, and irritated. vexatious..ahh..that's a good one.
just..argh! i don't even know...
my lower back has a weird pain.
my neck hurts.
i want someone to scratch my back.
just like my sister did when we were little.
so lightly that we gave each other goosebumps and giggled.
but i want someone that isn't connected to me...someone that i don't have to worry about..someone that doesn't have feelings for me that will complicate matters..
and i want people to stop talking to me..and asking me things..and expecting things of me..
and being nice to me..and loving me..and hating me..
and acknowledging me...
at this moment, i want to disappear.
to run away from all expectations and responsibilities..and completely forget all things and people that i love and feel somewhat responsible for.
i want to be lost, lost and happy. carefree.
not distressed, disquieted, and discomposed.
weary, worn.
restless, troubled, cramped.
argh. blah. i hate *strongly dislike* feeling like this...
someone borrow my life for the next couple weeks, please?
|
|
| how can i forget? |
[23 Mar 2006|11:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
waterdeep |
] |
let my lips forever form the cry
"holy art thou!"
be not numb on my tongue
or decaying in my mouth
the goodness i must proclaim!
in word, in deed, in life- be evident
in mind, in soul, in heart- be heard
in you, in me, in all- be spoken
latent and longing, i regret my silence
a moment; a second's pause too long
wonderment
awe
love
humility
how great thou art.
© akh 2006
|
|
| Japaneezy |
[08 Mar 2006|09:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cascada |
] |
So as I was running on the dirt road close to my house last night this car skids (*did I mentioned he SKIDDED?*) to a stop beside me and rolls down his window to talk to me. Being a little apprehensive considering the late hour, the fact that the road was deserted, and that I was alone, I didn't approach the window (thoughts of invisible men leaping from the backseat and hustling me into the car..).
He attempts to ask me in broken English if I speak Japanese..
I replied, "Sukoshi."
He then begins another attempt at asking me questions in English with a bit of Japanese thrown in there for fun, I finally understand what he is asking me when he says, "You....house...alcohol..me?"
Aha!
He wanted to know if I had alcohol at my house for him! Bingo.
"No, Gomenasai!"
And he drove away.
And I chuckled.
The End.
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2006|02:05am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
rihanna- SOS |
] |
i've wanted so much to live my life to the full, and to not be held back by fears or inhibitions...but it seems that that is all i do!
i allow the selfish power that is me to govern my life and what i do, what i do not do, what i do not say, what i do not feel, what i DO feel, and what i DO say; whether i can be free or not.
what i KNOW to be right, what i know to be wrong.
and sometimes i feel like i'm killing myself, like i'm trying to speak, but my hand is on my throat refusing to let the words out.
i know i'm not perfect. far, far from it. but i think i expect too much from myself.
i think i just need to wake up and say "i'm alive, and right now that's good enough for You."
instead of waking up and saying, "i'm alive, but i wish i wasn't fat, or that i didn't have stubby toes, or that i can't make myself go out and run everyday, and accomplish all the things i want to.."
i wish i could accept things...
love and affection...
i wish i could receive things without feeling that i need to do things to deserve them, or that i need to be perfect before this or that happens.
i always feel that i'm the exception to the idea that love can happen to anyone- that it's too much to ask of anyone to deal with me and my flaws. why can't i extend the same grace to myself that Christ does?
(*God, help me! help me rest, receive, and abide in your love for me!*)
the idea of someone knowing (KNOWING) me scares me..someone knowing me so well that they see me as i really am- naked, and without all my pretense and excuses.
perhaps its because i've seen too many examples of people taking advantage of such knowledge. i long for the intimacy- even determine to improve or be an example of "success"- yet i am scared that i would become another statistic of those who failed.
speaking of this..here's a good read on the subject of love:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life_article.php?id=7134
|
|
| Nothing is as amusing... |
[01 Mar 2006|10:48am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
coldplay |
] |
...as Japanese hospitals.
They are very different from American hospitals, extremely so. In fact, I don't think there are really any similarities, aside from the fact that they both are hospitals.
Upon first walking into the medical facility and hearing the same familiar cries of "Irrasshaimase!" that greet your ears in any Lawson, Family Mart, or general store of any kind, a nice lady in hospital uniform kindly takes your hospital card and, in order to keep you from over-exerting yourself, inserts it into the card machine. The card machine then spits out your card and appointment slip, which the nice lady once again manages to handle for you. She arranges them neatly, then hands them to you with one hand, while directing you to the appropriate area of expertise with her other hand; all quite professional and efficient. (As I am following the direction of her perfectly pointed arm, I ponder the idea that she could've been a Policewoman in her former life.)
Hmm...here I am- the bloodwork office. A tottering old man seems to have appeared out of no where and with surprising speed, manages to cut in front of me in line. No matter, I can wait. Besides, this old man is cute. We both turn in our appointment slips and sit down in the waiting area. He notices that I, being the very obvious American that I am, seem to be the perfect waiting room companion to have a nice chat in Japanese with. I'm amused and flattered.
He proceeds to ramble on and tell me the most interesting news, stories, and anecdotes of his life (or so I imagine). It's a very happy tale, and he laughs often at his cleverness. I laugh often too, because who can help but be astonished at his cleverness? I mean, he speaks Japanese, and I don't understand a word, so he is definitely more clever than I.
On to the differences in hospitals:
Have you ever been in an American hospital holding a cup of your own urine, searching for the correct nurse to whom it needs to be given? The Japanese have figured out how to avoid such situations; they have wisely placed a special window IN the bathroom for you to place your cup. I was quite impressed by that.
Being that the Japanese are very health-conscious and drink large quantities of tea, they have a free (FREE!) cold water, coffee, and hot tea dispenser in the waiting room.
Contrary to the elevator type music commonly aired in American waiting rooms, they have a nice variety of orchestral hits from Broadway (Fiddler on the Roof, Sound of Music..ahh..the bliss..)..
No soap operas here! Only the latest, most exciting, hugely entertaining medical requirements- complete with the typical Japanese cartoon person that doesn't look remotely Japanese.
Tired of waiting for that hospital bill to come? Fearing that it will be overwhelming? Well, now you can forget the waiting and anticipate the overwhelming right away! Yeap, no leaving THIS hospital with bills unpaid...
You take your previously mentioned hospital card (unfortunately, there is no nice lady that manages it for you this time) and insert it into an ATM-like machine that promptly tells you which limb you owe the hospital this time. My current status is: missing an arm.
I'm out.
|
|
| i know |
[27 Feb 2006|09:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
bloc party |
] |
i know i'm not good enough,
i know i'll never be enough.
i know i'll never measure up,
to this standard that i set.
the perfection that i seek
is nothing more than a face
a face that isn't me
but it's all that you can see.
the tears fall from my shallow heart,
to the canvas i've obtained.
a canvas blank-
it's whiteness stained by lack of form or face.
despair and destiny of one accord
steal the serenity that i preserve in silent realms.
untouched, unhidden in public eye,
and hope for a wish is gone in a sigh
slipping from fractured lips.
luster gone from any reverie.
the blatant reality of myself
disarms any truth or semblance of-
the wisdom i deny.
i've collapsed in a pool of trifling thought
and dwell in a body of failing, faulty wit
to attain the conclusion of my pride
and sacrifice its continuance.
here am i.
©2006 akh
|
|
| Pretty rad, dude! |
[22 Feb 2006|11:04am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
natasha beddingfield |
] |
I was thinking the other day (yes, I know, quite an amazing thing, huh?) about words that we no longer use...specifically the word "duds." There was a time in history when we would use the word "duds," but not only "duds," "spiffy" was its companion more often than not. We would say "Those are some spiffy duds you got on there!" or "Gee, I really like your spiffy duds..."
And this started a whole host of thinking of other words we no longer vocalize:
Rad
Wicked
Sike
Neat-o
Bodacious
Tubular
Gnarly
Dope
Phat
Damn Skippy
Talk to the hand
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And that is just a few! Why do we not use these bodacious words anymore? Mainly because words get phased out, as do fashion trends and music. And that's sad. Of course, some music and fashion (mainly from the 80's-early 90's) is better left undisturbed and un-listened to...but there are good and bad things about unearthing the past.
Of course, continuing on this train of thought leads to other word topics. Such as the latest, and most important, trend of simplifying our words to the point of no longer being able to spell them correctly. We're raising a whole generation of internet children that won't be able to spell words that don't include extra letters, and exclude necessary letters (l8r, wut, nite, prolly, aight, alot, azn, bak, cuz, lyke, thanx, etc, etc...), or who subsitute signs for words. We know what they stand for, mainly because we can say them, but do we know how to spell them?
Don't worry...I'm not going to start a campaign to bring back the great days of the 90's, or start declaring that the best days were those behind us...I just think every now and then we need to spice up a conversation by throwing in an old (or big) word...think about it. Let's trip it up!
|
|
| The faults I never fix... |
[19 Feb 2006|10:34pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
curious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
lovedrug |
] |
I wonder why I always allow myself to do things that I don't want to do. Why can't I just say no? Hopefully I can conquer this before I get too much older...
We'll use the latest entry/situation as a clarifying example:
So..boy asks me out..I turn the boy down..boy is really nice and understanding about it- increases my respect and opinion of him. I didn't tell the boy this, but I was still caught up on the "Hey, I like you as more than a friend," type of sentence to respond with anything other than an immediate negative.
One thing I've realized about myself (maybe I should give this one a number, since it seems I start out quite a few of my blogs with this sentence)..ok..this is number 432.
The 432nd thing that I've realized about myself is this: when people are talking to me, either to debate something, prove something, or just explain something in general, I am usually paying so much attention to what they are saying and trying to process it that I can't think of anything in response..at least..not until they, or I, walk away. It's happened a number of times lately, someone will say something to me, and I'll be like, "Uh huh..yeah..Okay, I see what you mean.." but then I think of something AS SOON as they walk away that totally puts to death whatever random theory they were propounding.
All of that to say, when the boy mentioned the "I like you, do you wanna, you know, sometimes go out and do something together?" (NOTICE: the complete lack of the word "date") sentence that I was still so caught up on the "I like you" part that I stumbled out the "Umm...I don't date" (except I did it with so much more grace, as I'm sure you can imagine)...because I couldn't comprehend anything else at the moment. Basically, I'm trying to say that I had never even considered this fellow as someone to date..not because he isn't "date-able" but because I just don't think that way...(for some odd reason..), and so when he brought all this information up, I was still trying to comprehend the idea.
Now I am sitting here, after having time to taste, swallow, and somewhat ruminate over the idea and actually consider it as an option, to find that the fellow has moved on. I didn't expect him to wait forever, especially since I was rather definite when I said, "No" but still...perhaps I am expecting too much without making my expectations known. Had I said, "Hmm..okay...well, can you give me time to think about it and see if I could possibly like you as more than a friend?" might've been easier on both him and me. Not that I am extremely disappointed and will now go into an emo-deep hole..but part of me is just like, "Couldn't you have given me a chance? I move slow.."
But through all this, I've come to realization number 433- God has the best for me. Let me say that again..God has the BEST for ME! Not to say that this grand fellow isn't the best, or that he in any way is beneath me (on the contrary, he is a very nice chap), but God knows what I need, what is the best for ME, and He knows what He's doing. (Now isn't that a revelation? God KNOWS what HE'S doing!)...My job is to focus on Him, and becoming more like Him, the rest will follow ("Seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and ALL these things will be added to you")...Mmm..easier said than done sometimes.
But I'm still excited to see what that all entails.
Hee hee.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
redpicklefuzz's journal
creative
